The deed is done, I am vasectomized.

The first question you’d probably ask me after such a procedure is: How bad did it hurt? It hurt, but it wasn’t so bad; I’ve certainly felt worse. Imagine someone grabbing and kind of squeezing your testes — it hurts, but it’s tolerable, and you just want them to stop.

Here’s how it all went, with some advice that I received intermixed:

None of this should replace your own research, of course. It’s all in the pamphlets they give you, too. Please don’t print this out and tell your doctor you expected it to go the way dpk’s did. Heh.

Before I was able to have the vasectomy, I was required to attend a one-on-one session with someone (a doctor, IIRC) at the clinic, to discuss why I want a vasectomy, to make sure I know they are not easily reversed, to tell me not to take any aspirin or blood thinners prior to the operation, etc. Basically, this was the “paperwork phase”. This is also where you decide what kind of vasectomy you want. There are two choices: conventional and no-scalpel. The conventional is less expensive, and is often all insurance will pay for. The no-scalpel is easier on the patient and usually leads to a shorter recovery period. I chose the latter. It was $600. I think the conventional option was $300-400 (it was a while ago, memory is fuzzy).

After you’re done with the paperwork, you can schedule the appointment. The clinic I went to performs vasectomies one Friday per month. I scheduled mine for December, but they had to move my appointment to January. If timing is important, you may want to shop around to find a place that does them more frequently.

The day before the operation it is a good idea to double-check that you have everything you need. You’ll need to bring some close-fitting underwear — they call them “Jockey” style — to keep the gauze pressed against your scrotum after you’re done. I’d also recommend either borrowing, or buying, a feminine pad (I don’t actually know if it’s possible to just buy one). The gauze they give you will absorb some of the blood, but some will get past and may end up on your pants. Knowing that might happen, I wore some crappy jeans that are already ruined with paint.

For your home: Make sure you have a day’s worth of food in the house, because chances are you won’t feel like leaving. You’ll also want to have some ice or two of those gel ice packs (two, so you can swap them as they warm up). They don’t prescribe pain medications, instead recommending you take ibuprofen, so stock up a bit on that. They recommended the normal maximum dosage for as long as the pain is a problem.

On the morning of the operation, I shaved the area between the penis and the scrotum, and about half an inch around, as instructed. You can just use a regular face razor for this, but you’ll need to clean it frequently. I don’t recommend you try any kind of power shaver. You’ll regret it.

I took a bus to the clinic and called for a taxi ride home. You probably shouldn’t drive yourself home, as the pain may be distracting. When you get to the clinic, you should go ahead and use the bathroom, even if you don’t feel like you need it; I’ll explain why below.

They had me go in to the “operating” room, which was basically just a room with a regular examination table and a gooseneck lamp. (I don’t even know if it’s called an operation, officially. Maybe it’s a “procedure room”. Whatever.) There, they asked me if I had any questions before they began. I told them how anxious I was, and they offered Xanax, as is the norm. I declined: I figure, I’m supposed to be anxious about something like this, and I wasn’t going to freak out on them or endanger myself, anyway.

Then they had me strip from the waist down, and climb up on the table. They then have you lay back and put a warming pad over your scrotum. This is so the skin will expand, making the whole thing easier for the doctor. This is also why I recommend using the bathroom. You’ll be laying there for a while. About 15 minutes later the doctor came in to explain roughly what was going to happen. He checked the scrotal situation, and told me I needed a few more minutes — the skin was still too tight.

He returned with another doctor, and then they began the procedure. The first step was to clean the whole area with warm soap. That was nice: I expected alcohol, and was concerned it would just cool me off again. Then they numbed the area with two shots of lidocaine 1% — one for each testicle, I assume. The whole thing went by the book, at least based on what I have read.

They warned me before doing things that would hurt, none of which hurt all that bad. I did have to ask them for an additional shot of the lidocaine, because it was wearing off on one side and I could feel some of the poking and prodding. They had some 80s and 90s music playing in the background. I remember hearing the Ghostbusters movie theme while they were working on the right testicle. Who ya gonna call?

This part may gross you out.

At one point, I began to smell something. It was bad. It was like the combination of burning hair and bleach. One of the doctors had opened the door, and I thought maybe the smell was coming from out in the hall. No. It was me. One thing I forgot was that the procedure calls for them to cauterize the vas after cutting it. I was completely numb when they did it, so I had no idea it had happened.</gross>

After they were done with both testes, they put some gauze on my scrotum and had me hold it there. It felt kind of weird, like a hackey sack was sitting between my legs. Numb and detached. About 5 minutes later the nurse returned and checked my blood pressure, to make sure I won’t pass out if I get up. Then she offered to help me put my underwear back on. Protocol, she said. I thought that was pretty weird, and I declined. She brought my underwear over to the table and I put it on myself. I then realized why it’s protocol. It’s actually kind of tricky to hold gauze on while pulling underwear up.

You may also find a lot of that paper they use on the tables on your butt and your back. I was sweating pretty bad, and it must have stuck to me. I didn’t even notice it until I got home.

Once I got outside, and called the cab, I noticed I was shaking. I don’t know if it was because it was cold outside, or if it was just the release of whatever adrenaline or other hormones I had building up in there. My scrotum no longer felt detached, more of a dull ache.

It’s now 3 hours later, and I am a little sore. The ibuprofen is enough to stave off the bulk of the pain, without masking it entirely.

In the end, all of my anxiety was for nothing, as I suppose is often the case. I’ve certainly felt worse. This no-scalpel vasectomy procedure gets the official dpk stamp of approval.